Saturday, March 07, 2009

And the 2009 "Parent of the Year" Award goes to...

If there's anything that you can do in this world that will shape, mold, inspire, make or break a human life in this world, that, my friend, would be parenting.

Going out with some good friends of mine this evening produced a few of society's finest specimens of the parental genome. Why listen to my incoherent bullshit, lets here about the contestants:

Parent #1:
All the better that the state I live in will soon pass a public wide smoking ban, and not that I'm driven to do so by this threat against society and human choice, my friend and I had some diner at a restaurant-slash-bar. Unlike some establishments, this place has a completely segregated bar and dining area; which is nice for families or doing the bar scene. So while having some beers, a burger and a smoke, my friend and I happen to notice a child not much older than our *own* fucking child(ren), in comparison, sitting with mom and pop, gnawing on some chicken strips sucking in my, along with many others, second hand smoke. Oh do I point out for mere humor upon myself, at 7:00pm at night.

Weigh-in: Absol-fucking-lutely brilliant job Dumb #1 and Dumb #2 (yes, you bastid parents get the Dr Suess rip-off analogy). Whatever sick, selfish obsession altered your judgment to take your CHILD into a BAR and let them SUCK IN SECOND HAND SMOKE and neglect any gosh damn home morals like, oh, HAVING SUPPER at a DECENT TIME AT YOUR KITCHEN TABLE, so you could have some bar food and put your stupidity and lame interests ahead of your child's well-being, I so wish I could have applauded you with my foot up both your asses. I may have not have had dinner with my wife and kids that night either, but I made them a nice meal BEFORE I LEFT and SAT DOWN at the table with them. Try it, once. It's a fucking a-mazing deal.

Parent #2:
I'm a sucker for the recent barrage of DC Comic movie turnovers that have come out the last year. After dinner, my friends and I decided to hit up the theatre and take in "The Watchmen". Not knowing a lot about it, I do have to say, on a very extremely high level, it was a great show. However, for the lush amounts of sex scenes, pornography, murdering, death, limb dismemberment, blood, graphic violence, nudity and disturbing socio-logical situations, I'd say it should have been rated higher than "R". Again, putting that aside, fabulous story-line and very well organized/filmed movie.

Weigh-in: At what fucking point in time did an 8 YEAR OLD need to be witness to any of that shit I mentioned? OMFG. Hello, Mom, who sat center right about 10 rows lower than me and my friends, are you damn idiot? I'm not a prophet, nor to I have a crystal ball (well not one to at least throw at you for being so damn DUMB), however, I think I've got your child's future pretty well profiled and mapped out. I just can't decide if your child will aspire to: 1) Kill themselves for witnessing that kind of audio/visual culture shock, 2) Start murdering cats and dogs for fun and entertainment and move up to Jeffrey Daumer status, 3) Be the next school mass-murder that makes VA Tech and Columbine look like baby shit, 4) Delving in sex, drugs or violence and having a promising career as a 12 year old parent, a meth lab cooker or juvenile detention regular, or 5) Be such a damn societal wreck and drain, emotionally disconnect, and a literal fucking mess and blame every waking moment of their conscious, human life and their inability to sensitize towards reality and fiction on you.

You two ham-bone parent couples are why the damn world is the way it is. For that, I salute you and may the worst parent win.